This thesis embraces and expands upon a century of research into disparate geological enigmas, offering a unifying catastrophic explanation for events occurring during the enigmatic mid-Pleistocene transition. Billions of tons of “Australasian tektites” were dispatched as distal ejecta from a target mass of continental sediments during a cosmic impact occurring ca. 788 ka. The accepted signatures of a hypervelocity impact encompass an excavated astrobleme and attendant proximal, medial, and distal ejecta distributions. Enigmatically, the distal tektites remain the only accepted evidence of this impact’s reality. A protracted 50 yr search fixated on impact sites in Southeast Asia—the location of the tektites—has failed to identify the requisite additional impact signatures. We postulate the missing astrobleme and proximal/medial ejecta signatures are instead located antipodal to Southeast Asia. A review of the gradualistic theories for the genesis and age of the “Carolina bay” landforms of North America finds those models incapable of addressing all the facts we observe. Research into 57,000 of those oriented basins informs our speculation that they represent cavitation-derived ovoid basins within energetically delivered geophysical mass surge flows emanating from a cosmic impact. Those flows are seen as repaving regions of North America under blankets of hydrated impact regolith. Our precisely measured Carolina bay orientations indicate an impact site within the Laurentide ice sheet. There, we invoke a grazing regime impact into hydrated early Mesozoic to late Paleozoic continental sediments, similar in composition to the expected Australasian tektites’ parent target. We observe that continental ice shielded the target at ca. 788 ka, a scenario understood to produce anomalous astroblemes. The ensuing excavation allowed the Saginaw glacial lobe’s distinctive and unique passage through the Marshall Sandstone cuesta, which encircles and elsewhere protects the central region of the intracratonic Michigan Basin. Subsequent erosion by multiple ice-age transgressions has obfuscated impact evidence, forming Michigan’s “Thumb” as an enduring event signature. Comprehensive suborbital modeling supports the distribution of distal ejecta to the Australasian tektite strewn field from Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. The mid-Pleistocene transition impact hypothesis unifies the Carolina bays with those tektites as products of an impact into the Saginaw Bay area of Lake Huron, USA. The hypothesis will be falsified if cosmogenic nuclide burial dating of Carolina bay subjacent stratigraphic contacts disallows a coeval regolith emplacement ca. 788 ka across North America. We offer observations, interdisciplinary insights, and informed speculations fitting for an embryonic concept involving a planetary-scale extraterrestrial impact.